top of page

Connections

Miranda S. Craig

When you let your worries over take your ability to act, that is when you've lost.

Or at least, that's what I had been experiencing the past few days. When your main concern each day is how you're going to survive tomorrow, doing anything can seem exhausting and pointless. For the last two weeks I've been spending day after day applying to jobs that will allow me to use the skills I've invested my time and money in.

The thing about specializing in media work is that my particular skills aren't the kind that people want to pay for in this lovely college town. Thanks to the J-school there's plenty of media milk with no need to buy the proverbial cow.

That said, I've found some amazing opportunities, even if they are unpaid, and they promise to feed my creative hunger and so I have no regrets. But a girls gotta eat and it's hard to be creatively hungry if you're actually hungry and bills need paying. (Don't worry! I am eating lol it's just a figure of speech.)

But it is a worry of mine. As the numbers in my checking account get smaller and smaller I can feel the knots in my shoulders tensing, as if I was actually carrying the weight of all the stress. Because it's not really the financial stuff that gets to you-- it's the inner dialogue.

If you're as hard on yourself as I am on myself, the 'I'm not good enough's and 'You should have done better's start to creep in and make you feel like you aren't worthy of enjoying life. Why? When you're so poor and so irresponsible and such a failure of your own expectations, should you smile and enjoy the sunshine of this beautiful day?

I couldn't believe I had let my thoughts become so cruel. And when the imagery rang out across my conscience of this girl, me, who I was vilifying for being unable to meet her financial responsibilities, I immediately pitied her. Yes, I have financial responsibilities to meet. And yes, I am struggling right now. But in no way is my ability to make money and pay people what I owe them tied to my character, my ability to act, or my ability to come out of this awkward financial predicament.

And so, I had to act. And just like any hippie business woman, I turned to nature. I reached out to the people who always lift me when I'm down, my AIESECers, and together we went to the Devils Icebox. As soon as my shoes were squelching in the mud, I was happy. Buoyantly joyful even. I had the sun shining over my head, amazing company in Cappo and Megan, and so much to talk about.

As the mud caked our unprepared footwear and we followed the trail deeper into Rock Bridge park, I blossomed. Joy overflowing, blood pumping, adventure shining in my eyes. I was experiencing something new, even if it was a familiar trail, and I was happy. And when given the opportunity to deny my self joy, I embraced it and let it fill me up because, why not?On the way back to the car, I was overcome with inspiration, my thoughts were flowing anew and I knew that while I may be I a rut now, I was going to come out of it only one way:

By allowing myself to be myself.

Nature simply is. Parts are muddy and slippery, or cold and wet. Or dazzlingly beautiful beyond our comprehension. It changes in response to natural (or unnatural) phenomenon and accommodates them. It goes on growing or decaying with time but it doesn't stop being natural. It doesn't stop being nature. We don't decry nature for being itself, and nature certainly doesn't hate itself because it can't provide farm land in a cave, or fret over being beautiful for passersby to enjoy. It does not worry because it is what it is and continues on accordingly.

I know who I am. And like nature I change in response to the phenomenon in my own life, making efforts to accommodate them. I have to keep going. However, being sentient and all, I can create my own stresses and worries. I can ascribe meaning to myself and my circumstances that don't help me and, in some cases, even hurt me.

But I can also choose to think thoughts that uplift me. I can make connections that encourage me. I can choose to be happy and feel worthy of joy, in spite of my circumstances. And it's this mindset that will allow me to come out of this rut, ready for the next challenge.

Let yourself be you. Whole and imperfect, totally and perfectly.

Because when you allow yourself to be yourself in life, wholly and wonderfully, that's when you've won.

Archive
Search By Tags

© 2015 by Miranda S. Craig. Proudly created with Wix.com

  • White LinkedIn Icon
  • Facebook
  • White Instagram Icon
bottom of page